The other day when I was leaving a parking lot there was a mallard duck just sitting in the lane I needed to go in. It seemed odd that this duck was just sitting there with no other ducks around. This is not a spot where ducks usually just stand.
I waited for the duck to move. I wasn’t in a rush so I waited just watching him. He just stood there with confidence, not seeming worried about anything and most certainly not looking concerned about my car just being there.
The last few weeks have felt very connecting to myself and to the experiences I have had. I began to feel many emotions about the ducks including worry about the danger he might be in and the loneliness he might be feeling. I debated getting out of the car and trying to scoot him over to the side of the parking lot.
I looked around. Was he in danger? No. Was he lonely? I don’t think so. He must have flown there and could just fly away.
Was I projecting myself onto the duck? Maybe. Because lately I know exactly what it feels like to stand somewhere that doesn’t quite fit, wondering if I’m safe, wondering if I’m alone.
Standing By Myself
In the last few days, I have felt like I have been standing there by myself. Some of my newer formed beliefs contradict what society promotes, believes, and rewards.
My choices to speak out against this normalized belief of just doing what everyone else does creates discomfort as it goes against everything I have been taught.
Why did they each me this? Probably because they were taught this themselves. This is where the generational pattern stops. Right here with me.
To speak out feels a whole lot like standing in the middle of a lane in the parking lot. Am I in danger? No. Am I lonely? I put myself there I could go somewhere else.
Did I really put myself there? I feel like that’s not exactly how that works. I didn’t chose to be in the place where capitalism is so encompassing, clocks dictate what I’m doing and for how long, and most people work five days to have the “reward” of two days off. For so long, I didn’t even really have the awareness of these aspects because I was on automatic. I automatically moved from one thing to the next whether it was a task or financial challenge. I ignored my body while just trying to be stronger both mentally and physically.
Ignorance may be bliss, but self-awareness is a map towards the future that fits what we need mentally, physically, and spiritually.