Today is 120 days of not smoking cigarettes. Yay me!
I started smoking when I was around 15 years old, quit many times, and restarted even more times. I originally quit the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child and didn’t start again until well after having my second (and last) child.
In March 2026, I took a trip to Canada with the youngest child who is now 15-years old. There’s nothing like a trip to a foreign country with a child you are trying to not smoke around to show you just how addicted you are to smoking. I knew I was addicted before the trip but I had some solid examples of behavior I am less than proud of.
Smoking outside the airport while my son sat in the airport waiting for me – you know, to start OUR trip.
Landing at the airport, trying to find the smoking section outside at a foreign country – you know, instead of getting our rental car to
be heading to our AirBNB destination.
Worrying about how I would smell around my son’s girlfriend – yet smoking anyway. Ah, the shame of it all.
This part right here is where I knew I most definitely seriously had a problem that I could no longer overlook because it was feeling like I truly did not care about myself at all. AT ALL.
Googling how to buy cigarettes in Canada because I couldn’t find them.
Learning all cigarettes in Canada are behind the counter.
I took a bus to the gas station asked for the cigarettes. They said they didn’t have the type I smoked so I then said I wanted some brand that sounded like nicotine. The person puts the cigarette on the counter and there is an image of a tumor on the box. The image caught me off guard because why would they do that??? Oh, yeah, because that’s what cigarette do. Here we have little words we can overlook but an image is worth a million words.
I had come this far and I was going to smoke. It’s just an image right? Take the cigarette out of the tumor image box and on the filters it said Cigarettes Cause Cancer
I can read. I know what it says. Did I smoke it? Yes.
I had a lot of shame around this. When I saw other people smoking, I thought did they also buy the tumor box with the cancer filter words and they are just smoking it. There’s a point where the distance between the risk and action close. It closed quickly.
The day after I got back from my trip on March 22, 2026 I decided that was it. I actually had my last cigarette the night before. I debated getting another pack for just one more that night but decided against it. The morning came and I rerouted all my energy to cleaning. The afternoon came and I rerouted my afternoon to art. The evening came and I rerouted my energy to cleaning and art. There were so many times that I thought I could be at the gas station in 4 minutes and I have one cigarette. In my heart, I knew how it would go. I cannot have just one cigarette. It’s how I got here again.
I told myself how much I would save by smoking.
I told myself how much art I could make.
I told myself how I would smell better.
I told myself how much less shame I would have (I had a lot!).
I told myself about those cigarettes I had despite the warnings on the filters.
When those ideas started seeming questionable, I had to reach deeper to a place that is a darker and scarier. I want to live. Like really, really, really live. I want those last 10 seconds with my kids one day. Those 10 seconds might be amazing and I knew that from all those other 10 seconds I had taken for granted. I wanted to live to see places I haven’t been.
I wanted to live to see who I could be. I know what making the same choices got me. It got me to that moment. I want to see what comes next.
I really do want to live… feel alive… be alive… in a way that makes me feel like I’m bursting at the seams.
I know not everyone feels this, but I’m glad I do.